I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
