Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
