Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
