I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
