I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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