It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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