Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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