i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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