Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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