I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
