I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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