You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
