The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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