Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
