And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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