You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We were destined to go to rehab together
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
