she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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