Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
