No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
