So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
