I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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