please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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