we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
