I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
