I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
