Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Is Oprah even human
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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