well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
