my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
