i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
