I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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