just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
