Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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