i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
