I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
