its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
