i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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