just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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