I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
