i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
