Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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