They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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