so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
