the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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