remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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