he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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