ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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