My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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