Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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