I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
