i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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