Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
