On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
