while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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