How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
