yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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