I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
