help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
