I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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